In 1944, the Office of Strategic Services – the precursor to the CIA – distributed a secret pamphlet that described ways to sabotage enemies of the US during World War II.
The Simple Sabotage Field Manual provided instructions for “citizen-saboteurs” in occupied countries like Norway and France who wanted to “sabotage” their own workplace, creating chaos and bringing down their governments from within.
All of which gave me an idea:
The Simple Sabotage Field Manual for The Diet & Fitness Guru
Rather than sabotage a company, you can sabotage the health of an entire nation, creating citizens who are too slow and weak to fight off an invasion.
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
1. Claim that obesity is caused by One Thing. Sugar. Fat. Wheat. Carbs. Lectins. Insulin. It doesn’t really matter, just as long as you pretend that changing this One Thing will solve everything.
2. Cite lots of research to support your claims. But make sure that you talk only about the research that supports your claims. Ignore (or dismiss as flawed) the research that doesn’t.
3. Refuse to change your mind, even in the face of strong evidence to the contrary. Opposing viewpoints should be derided at every possible opportunity.
4. If the weight of scientific evidence against your claims becomes too strong, say that it’s all a conspiracy, and that the establishment is out to get you. This will be enough to satisfy your followers.
5. Preach One True Way to eat. Treat anyone who dares to disagree as a dietary infidel who has yet to see the light.
6. Make sure that your One True Way is difficult to follow. Exclude entire foods or food groups. Include lots of rules about when a particular food or macronutrient can and can’t eaten.
7. Take something that is generally considered “bad” for you and claim that it’s “good” for you. Use the words wholesome, amazing, natural and/or transformative on multiple occasions.
8. Take something that is generally considered “good” for you and say that it’s “bad” for you. Use the words toxic, lethal, deadly and/or poison as often as possible.
9. Any books, articles or videos should contain lengthy and supremely complicated explanations of simple concepts. Don’t explain in 100 words something that can be made to last 10,000 words or more.
10. Any marketing material should contain a liberal sprinkling of the phrase “it’s not your fault” and “you’ve been lied to.”
11. Emphasize the need for lots of dietary supplements. Make sure that you also sell those exact same supplements.
12. Take drugs that speed up muscle growth and fat loss. Use pictures of the way you look to promote your program. Don’t mention the drugs.
13. Promote unrealistic expectations. Tell people they can gain 30 pounds of muscle in four weeks, or lose a pound of fat a day. You won’t convince everyone, but a surprisingly large number of people will be taken in.
14. Never mention that getting in shape is hard work, that changing habits can take time, and that different people will respond at different rates to the same program of diet and exercise.
15. Make sure to include lots of terms that sound supremely complicated and very scientific but don’t actually mean anything. Here are some to get you started: Dynamic Synergistic Patterning. Functional Kinesthetic Integration. Primal Postural Patterns.
16. Use lots of three letter abbreviations to make everything sound cool. Put a little trademark (TM) symbol next to each one. You don’t need to file any paperwork to receive permission to use the TM symbol, so you can put it next to whatever you want. It means nothing, but looks very official and impressive.
17. Use the word “metabolic” at every possible opportunity. Metabolic Diet. Metabolic Training. Metabolic Cardio. It will automatically make anything sound trendy, exciting and hardcore.
18. Constantly refer to yourself as “highly sought after.”
Finally, don’t worry about getting caught out. By the time people have cottoned on to the fact that you’re full of it, much of your work will have already been done. Remember this:
“If you want truth to go round the world you must hire an express train to pull it; but if you want a lie to go round the world, it will fly; it is as light as a feather, and a breath will carry it.”
SEE ALSO: THE FLAT BELLY CHEAT SHEET
If you want less flab and more muscle when you look down at your abs (or where they should be), check out The Flat Belly Cheat Sheet.
It's a “cut the waffle and just tell me what to do” PDF that tells you exactly how to lose your gut and get back in shape. To get a copy of the cheat sheet sent to you, please enter your email address in the box below, and hit the “send it now” button.